On the Careless "How Are You?"
It happens from time to time. I’m depressed, or anxious, or exhausted. Maybe I had a fight, or I’m stressed about work, or I’m feeling inadequate because blogs don’t pay bills. Maybe I don’t even know what’s bothering me, until some well-meaning schmuck with a shit-eating grin schleps in and greets me in standard form:
“Hi! How are you?”
I grind my teeth. I am about to lie.
It’s an oddity of American culture: “How are you” is not a question. It’s a polite greeting. The polite response is “I’m fine, thanks.” But if you’re not?
Well, you lie. Context demands it; the question is mostly asked in scenarios that prevent an honest answer if the answer is negative. To answer honestly when you are doing poorly produces panic. Everyone within earshot scrambles to “fix.” The order has been disturbed. Frenzy ensues.
Actually, I highly recommend trying it sometime. It’s kind of fun.
But seriously, why do we do this? It’s making us less honest. Repressing the things that bother you to perform “fine-ness” is exhausting, and pretending to be fine when you aren’t can actively make it worse. It’s an exercise in silencing your own discomfort, sadness, or pain in an effort to maintain decorum. That’s a problematic behavior to rehearse! When you consider these impacts, “how are you” no longer seems like a polite question.
I say we drop it. Here are some alternatives:
Greet the person with their name.
Names carry our identities and experiences. They help us feel acknowledged and appreciated; hearing your name is affirming. Using someone’s name signals that they have your attention; what you are about to say is intended specifically for them. It’s like the inverse of waving at someone who was actually waving to someone behind you.
“It’s good to see you!”
Tragically underused. We sometimes feel like our presence doesn’t matter. Nothing pulls you out of that more quickly than immediate evidence to the contrary–suddenly, you matter to that person. Telling someone you’re happy to see them is much more personal, without having to get personal.
It’s best to stay away from immutable physical traits (smile, eyes, etc.) unless you intend to convey romantic interest (in which case, godspeed). Better compliments here are things a person controls–clothing, make-up, or haircuts are all fair game. Compliments on one’s performance are also effective; “You did a really great job on that presentation yesterday,” can go a long way.
Rather than asking a person to either acknowledge or lie about a negative mood, these alternatives lift it. There’s a passivity in “how are you”; we usually can’t solve the problems that made a person sad. But we can make them feel a little happier. We can do that without burdening them with our need for information. If we intend to be kind, these alternatives accomplish that much better. Then, by removing those words from “polite conversation”, we can ensure that their use in the right context actually means something.
So let’s save our “how are you’s” for when we have space for the answer. In the meantime:
Stay Honest, Stay You.
–Lucas